This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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