all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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