I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
