You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
