how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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