I'm really into asian looking animals
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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