And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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