i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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