Will you blow on my dice?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
