he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
