My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
What drink are we having for lunch?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
