i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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