If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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