i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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