Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
