True but thats because hes a fetus.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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