I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize