dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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