i was born a porn star she said
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
