We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Randomize
