i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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