Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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