I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
