Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
