I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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