Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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