got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
