so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
