Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
