im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
