i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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