when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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