Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
