I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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