I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
