Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
