i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
