I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
