that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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