so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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