Your mouth is God's brothel.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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