My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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