Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
