Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
