i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
