dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
