I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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