Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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