Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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