maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Randomize
