Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
