I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
