I can text with my tongue
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
