Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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