Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
