Well douche your snatch and let's go!
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize