You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
