Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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