Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
