so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
