your thong is hanging out like whoa
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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