I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
