i think my tv is drunk
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
