I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
