I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
