We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
